You know how this works. You grab from both sides, then gently tug at the bag. Its previously sealed top opens like the pursed lips of some drunk, whose breath had been held while waiting on a punchline they weren’t sure was coming. A great exhale whooshes outward. Now the scent wafts through the air – the salt, the corn, the powdered ingredient we could charitably call “cheese,” they’re all calling to you. Is it bad for you? Is it bad that you find yourself here again? It’s 7:30 on an idle Tuesday, there is no company in your home but for the walls, and here you are opening a bag of Doritos. You’ll probably eat it all by yourself. Then? Oh, then you’ll be full, except that your body will know it’s still hungry from a lack of real nutrition. So you sit there, hating yourself for eating that garbage, yet also kind of proud for your lack of prideful inhibition. You’ll probably go get some real food in an hour.
That’s what playing Paladins is like.
This isn’t a great game. This isn’t a memorable game. This isn’t something you really need in your life, all things considered. But you have it, anyways, because junk food is the Calvinism of nutritional religions, and you’re enslaved to this sin. That’s all Paladins is – a Doritos game. It’s immediately tasty, satisfying to your lizard brain, and bad for your ass in those jeans.
Welcome to 2018. This is who we are now.
That’s not a terrible place to be, mind you. If you’re old enough, try to transport yourself back 10 years ago. Tell decade-old you that console shooters would be relatively reliable, widely and easily distributed from high-end rigs down to a mobile device, and free. Ah yes, that’s the magic word. Sure, you could have bought the founders pack, or you could buy in-game currency if you were so inclined, but there is no down payment necessary, no fee you have to incur. The only cost is your ̶s̶o̶u̶l̶ time.
Truth be told, this is a competent shooter. It runs at a high, steady framerate. The dual analog controls are dialed in to damn-near perfection (something that could not be said for Fortnite, but that’s another article). There is a wide variety of character classes to choose from, ensuring a wide berth of play styles you can try out. Dig a little and you’ll find a perk mechanic that is hidden in a card system that could have been ripped off from Circle of the Moon. The art is stylized in a way that masks an overall lack of textural detail, but it works just fine, and it will likely age better than other games aiming for photorealism. In motion, the overall feel is…unobjectionable? That’s as best as I can put it. Remember Deer Are Fine from Horrifying Planet? This is kind of like that, if the Onion were to make a shooter.
Still, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the fairly large balancing issue that looks like this.
Somehow, it got past the developers that the balancing might suffer if they were to introduce one character who can quick dash (in succession, no less) into an untargetable, intangible state. With weapons that have an insanely high rate of fire. And a secondary special that can polish off an entire team.
“Huh…maybe this could cause problems?”
“Doesn’t matter, bro. He looks like Wolverine.”
Undeniable logic, that is. However, it’s equally undeniable that, even with Koga raining on the parade, the game is still engaging enough to hook you for a few dozen hours. Which, I suppose, brings us to a somewhat nauseating topic – time. This game is free*. The asterisk is your time. If you want the most out of what Paladins has to give, expect to fire it up and log in every single day for your bonuses. That’s the only way you’ll grind up to unlock swag. And in truly 2018 mobile fashion, that’s also the main problem. There is nothing worth sticking around for here. Once you’ve played Paladins for a few dozen hours, you’ll have gotten just about all there is to get out of it. There is no steady stream of improvement that allows you to unlock interesting weapons, or to prestige and then start all over again and play from a different angle. No, what you can waste your hours on is grinding up to buy a palette swap for your favorite waifu.
That aside? If your main concern is finding something cheap to play with your crew, this is a good choice. Gather a few friends in Discord, grab a drink, zone out, and play. If anything, Paladins is kind of like playing darts at a bar – it’s the thing you do while you’re really doing something else. Which is not a bad thing to get for the low price of free*.
What a garbage game. I kind of want some more.
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